“At a time when interracial marriages in the U.S. are occurring at record rates among whites, Asians, Hispanics, and American Indians, unions between whites and blacks remain rare” (Hayes; Schodolski 1). Why is that? Are there some unwritten rules about black- white marriages? Actually, maybe there are unwritten rules, or written ones for that matter. “Interracial Relationships,” by Roman Simmons explains the hardships that people go through to be in successful interracial relationships. Authors Dion V. Haynes and Vincent J. Schodolski, who wrote “Interracial Marriages Increase,” explain why, after the barriers are broken, interracial marriages are so successful. Also, author Clayton Majete, a teacher in the Department of Sociology and Anthropology at Baruch College of CUNY, with information he gathered so far from 450 couples in interracial marriages, in an ongoing research project, wrote “What You May Not Know About Interracial Marriages”. The article tries to explain every aspect of interracial marriages, including society’s reaction and the family’s reaction, both positive and negative, the effect it has on the people in the marriage, as well as the children that are a product of such a marriage, and how they try to find their racial identity. Finally, a study by STATS, Statistical Assessment Service, they compare income and education levels with respect to black- black marriages, and mixed marriages.

When the Europeans first started migrating towards America, race basically meant nothing, but as slavery became more popular, it became more noticeable. “When black servants were reduced to slavery, the colonial governing classes redoubled their efforts to stamp out racial mixing” (Simmons 1). As a result, racial mixing became a serious moral issue for the Puritans, and a threat to slave labor.

The earliest record available of miscegenation was in the 1600’s between a black man and white woman. This resulted in a public beating for the black man, as well as a public confession for his “crime” the following Sabbath.

The first law to deter miscegenation was in the 1660’s in Maryland. It stated that “any freeborn white woman who intermarried with a negro slave...would have to serve her husband’s master as long as the slave lived” (Simmons 2). This was later changed in 1681 allowing a white woman to retain her freedom, however the leader of the ceremony was to be fined a large sum of money. Other states soon followed with similar legislation to deter interracial marriages.

With the passage of the 14th amendment, allowing blacks equality, questions arose about the legality of the anti-intermarriages laws. Since most of the cases were settled in the state courts, the laws were upheld.

Even today, many people consider the United States one of the most race conscious countries in the world, pretty much tied for that “honor” with South Africa. As of 1967, 16 states still had laws on interracial marriages, and until recently, in 1999, Alabama revoked their law prohibiting that type of marriage. Even though that law wasn’t enforced, the fact is, it could have been.

At one time or another, “33 states prohibited one or more forms of interracial marriage” (Simmons 2). What seems to be the big deal about black-white unions? “A confluence of factors including history, prejudice, and differing concepts of beauty are used by experts to explain the resistance to intermarriage in the African-American and white communities” (Hayes; Schodolski 1).

The reason for the increase of interracial marriages was because the U.S. Supreme Court found in 1924 that the 14th amendment banning anti-miscegenation was unconstitutional. The case was brought forth by a white man and a black woman, who married in a legal place to perform interracial marriages. When they returned to Virginia, the people found out, and told authorities. The state courts ruled that the couple could remain married only if for a period of 25 years they left Virginia, and never came back together. If they were to come back together, or be in Virginia at the same time, they would be charged with a felony, and incarcerated for 5 years.

Many sociologists have proposed theories as to why people marry interracially. At the same time, however, “social scientists are as much to blame as anyone for the misinformation that exists around interracial marriages” (Majete 8). In isolated cases, these theories may hold true, however, the social scientists contend that these five theories are the only reasons explainable as to why people marry interracially.

The first theory as to why people marry interracially is the mythological stereotypes about sex that come with black people. That stereotype is that all black women are sex freaks, and all black men have a rather large sex organ. The second theory is to prove to society that they aren’t prejudice, so they date the other person, being black or white, just for the sole purpose of showing people they don’t mind people of other races. The next theory is that the person hasn’t been thoroughly integrated into their social group, such as that one white family that won’t move out in a black neighborhood, or the pioneer black family that moves into a white neighborhood. The fourth reason was to defy their parents. Many parents have strong opinions as to whom their children can and cannot date, and usually make those opinions well known. However, if the parents go too far, then their son or daughter just might come home with that person of a different color, so watch out.

The fifth reason is so that black people can climb a social ladder. This means that white people are on top of the social caste system in the United States, and black people are on or near the bottom. A successful black male in the business world won’t feel complete unless he has a white woman to give him his whiteness. Larry Davis, a professor of psychology at Washington University in St. Louis says, “As black women do better economically, you will see more black women marrying white men,” (qtd. in Hayes; Schodolski 20).

In a study conducted by STATS, they compared two types of marriages; marriages in which both partners were black, and mixed race marriages. The study’s main focus was comparing income level and level of education to these types of marriages. Some surprising results were gathered.

At lower income levels, the ratio of both-black marriages to mixed race marriages is heavily skewed towards both-black couples, each notch up on the income ladder brings the two figures into closer alignment, until at the highest income level ($100,000 and above) they are nearly even, with 86,443 both-black couples and 75,410 mixed race couples. A similar phenomenon is apparent for educational attainment. At the "non high school graduate" level, there are more than four times as many both-black couples as mixed race couples, but with each step of educational attainment, the figures get closer. At the "graduate or professional degree" level they were again almost even, with 160,367 both-black couples and 146,763 mixed race couples (STATS 1.)

That study, “Can Intermarriage Make You Smarter and Richer?” basically states that the more better off people are, with respect to either education or income, the more likely they are to be in some type of interracial marriage. This is a perfect follow up to the earlier statement by Larry Davis about black women being more likely to be in an interracial marriage in the future as they do better economically.

Most people however marry interracially because of the many things they have in common, like most same race marriages. That common bond was discovered by Clayton Majete, He states, “interracial marriages do significantly better, and last longer than same-race marriages because people getting involved in an interracial marriage know it’s going to be hard” (qtd. in Hayes; Schodolski 20).

Majete’s studies have shown that white women marrying black men are more likely to be alienated by their family mostly because of the negative reputation that the black man has in society today. This reputation is that most black men are drug dealers, gang members, or are in a relationship for nothing but sex, and as soon as they get someone pregnant, they run off and find another “victim”. Most black men have some problems getting their family to accept that type of marriage also. On the other hand white men and black women tend to have high acceptance rates from both sides of the families for this marriage, with the black woman having a slightly lower acceptance rate than the white man. However, on an over all basis, when you add all the black and white people together, “black families are usually more accepting of the interracial relationship and the partner than white families are of the relationship and partner” (Majete 10). This difference could be the result of the black families having almost “twice as many family members who dated interracially” (Majete 10).

Society has many different reactions toward interracial relationships. Most churches tend to be accepting of interracial marriages as long as it isn’t homosexual. Occasionally one may find an innocent, or not so innocent remark in a hospital about a newborn baby, concerning a lighter skinned baby than the mother, in a black woman-white man case, or a darker skinned baby than the mother, in a white woman-black man case. In such cases, a staff member usually voices their displeasure of that kind of relationship, or innocently makes a remark about the baby being adopted.

Because of these negative remarks, it is obvious that society still isn’t too keen on interracial marriages or relationships. Like most marriages, the husband and wife plan on having kids. Because these kids will look different than “all white” and “all black” children, they may not fit in as well. As was mentioned before, the black families tended to “approve” of an interracial relationship a lot more than white families did, that would probably be a good reflection on society’s reaction to interracial relationships too. Because of the high rate of disapproval people in interracial relationships face in a predominately white community, whether it be stares, comments, or violence, most people in these unions “live in a black or integrated community” (Majete 10).

Not only are these communities more accepting towards people who are married, or are dating interracially, they can be a better area for any children who come from these unions to find their racial identity. Also, it is easier for them to make friends, since in an integrated neighborhood, race, culture, and color, really aren’t brought up or stressed. Because of that, the children won’t have to decide whether or not they want to be white or black, they can be both.

The future of interracial marriages will eventually be nonexistent. For example, “in this generation, for black people 25 and under, the ratio of interracial marriage to black marriage is approaching 1:1” (STATS 2). It is obvious that people in general are becoming more open minded and accepting of interracial marriages, however, there still are many social taboos that “prevent” people from being in such a marriage. As more and more people marry interracially, people become more open minded and less color conscious, and as society becomes more and more tolerant, maybe in the future color or race won’t matter any more.

WARNING: Do try this at home!

Have I got a tip for you!!! I gave my husband his valentine's gift at noon today. (Working at home has its advantages!) ;) I gave him a beautiful card and his favorite chocolate, ME! Wrapped up in a cute lil number for him to unwrap and unwrap he did! Talk about an afternoon delight!!! He quickly swept me to the bedroom (where he prepared to enjoy his little "chocolate truffle" as he calls me ), and I noticed he did the strangest thing, he popped an icebreakers breath mint (cool mint flavor) and proceeded to kiss my.. er.. other set of lips! Well let me tell you...a warm tingling sensation erupted thru me! The heat of the mint, the moistness of the tongue, hmmm all lead to the most exciting ride I've ever had! He teased and pleased his beautiful queen till I exploded! (How did he balance the mint and me at the same time?) I looked up at him panting and barely able to move as he smiled, "chocolate mint, my favorite candy!" I'd never experienced anything like that and I just had to share! Who knew breathmints served another purpose! When I asked if he enjoyed his Valentine's day gift, he grabbed me and whispered yes as he leaned in to kiss me. WELL I SURE ENJOYED MINE! Which promptly led to more kissing, touching, another round of the breathmints... three hours pass ... I was so hot, I had to cool myself down and my husband teasingly used an ice cube!. Wow! The ice had the "opposite" effect and I got to ride that wild ride three more times as my husband stared in amazement!  We have definitely have to keep those "icebreakers mints" around! How's this for a commercial? LOL! Well just wanted to pass on a tip for all of you couples out there looking for ways to celebrate the day of love!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!!!!!

I’m thinking about the future. What can I do today that will help me tomorrow? My life has taken a different and interesting course and I’m pleased with it. However, as with any new course, some obstacles have come up. Some foreseen and some not. I’m learning that we really can’t count on anything until we know for sure and the check is in our hand, or we’ve signed on the dotted line with all of our t’s crossed and I’s dotted. Till then it’s just “available”. A reachable goal until like with some things, an obstacle is reached, can we go over, around, or thru it? Hard to say, depending on the situation. I have to trust God to navigate me thru this new course. Being newly married after being a widow for six years, I now have a blended large family of 5 kids and I’m a step parent. Combining homes, lives, incomes…yeah.. only one of us has an income at this time, me. Funny that, I’m the woman here but my husband is still in charge. I don’t really mind, but at times I’m insecure. I’ve been the breadwinner of my home for sometime now so it’s nothing new, but adding two new family members well, that can take some creative budgeting. Which I admit, we handle well. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to work, its just he’s been looking for a job for nine months now and it has frustrated him to the max that for the first time since he was 14, he’s not bringing in any income. That can be hard for a man who has always provided for his family and was raised to think that is what he MUST do. The unemployment has run out and he does not qualify for more. To say the least, it was blow to my husband’s ego. A little over a week ago, God put upon his heart to stop searching for a job because God had a job for him. He cried as he told me this. I was shocked but I trust God to provide for this family and besides, I immediately saw the benefits of his doing this. One, he would not be so focused on finding a job that he could enjoy being around and getting to know his new family. He would literally spend hours online on Monster.com, Careerbuilder.com, etc., being on the phone, rushing to job interviews, all while trying to build a relationship with me and our kids. Two, that he could begin to relax, he was so stressed, he began to lose weight, lose confidence in himself. Let me tell you, his weight was already below 160 and dropping below 150 had me concerned for his health. It’s not a good thing to see your husband this way. It hurts to see the one you love suffer. I tried reassuring him daily that our basic needs are met and the bills are paid and let’s just enjoy this time and see how God will move upon the situation. Fully relying on God, hmmm, something that has been difficult for me in the past and I sometimes still struggle with it. With the mounting pressure of my sometimes overbearing mother, things hit an all time low. That’s when the Holy Spirit revealed to me for my husband to write, to start a journal about this process of waiting, our waiting for God to move. Well, I’m the writer in our family and a published author of children‘s books, my husband says he knew nothing of how to write a journal much less, he thought it would be a waste of time. However, God confirmed his word and so my husband began to write. I began to help him in anyway he let me. With each passing day, my husband’s strength returned, his attitude changed. He’s no longer obsessed with finding a job. After all, God is our supply and we have everything we need. It may not come when we want it, but its always there when we need it. He now writes a daily blog online that tackles such topics as Renewal, Fear and Control. (http://www.myspace.com/littlebuddahsdad and http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-UISBm1o4d6kIKKyxghLaXaglmcphOa61oiSe)

I’m proud of the way he has taken on his assignment even though he did not realize its relevance to our situation. I don’t know where it will go but I do love the change in my husband, the renewed spirit, the laughter we share, the intimacy we share and the joy we get from writing together. I also know that someone else is struggling with the same issues and needs God’s reassurance that He will provide. My husband’s words reflect his heart for God and his family. His love for me is unwavering as is mine for him. I know God has a plan and He brought us together for a reason. Not only are we a blended family of step parents and kids but we are racially mixed as well. I’m a mix of Haitian, Choctaw Indian, Creole and African, my husband is Italian/Dutch. Our children are Hispanic, Portuguese/Malaysian, African, Cherokee, and French Canadian. A myriad of beautiful skin tones from light to dark. Everywhere we go, we attract attention. Mostly good with lots of smiles, but sometimes, we encounter fear, envy, prejudice, mean looks, and questions. Our kids are beautiful and we could not be more proud of them. Our families didn’t take our decision to marry well, despite the fact that they are also believers. The enemy will use those closest to you to hurt you, to discourage you from following God’s will for your life. But in the midst of all things that we as believers struggle with, (some have more or less than others), when we rely on God, He works it out for our good and His glory. Our family is like a rainbow, in fact that’s what we call ourselves, “the rainbow family”, the rainbow being God’s promise, His covenant with us. The rainbow touches the earth and reaches up to the heavens. We are a “covenant” family. We are the example of how God wants all of us to work together, with no regard to race, creed or color. We are the salt, the light in a dark world. If we don’t have faith and share it, how can we expect others to know God? God has never failed me yet, and He always amazes me with how He works things out. God always keeps His promises and that’s why I know that no matter what the circumstance, I can fully rely on God.

Is it just me or has my mom completely lost her mind? I mean someone tell me when does your parent let go??!!! Anyway, things came to a head last night. Erin, my 17 yr old, was being insensitive and had been kind of ignoring Brian as if he were not here. Though the only reason she "can't" stand him is that she thinks he took me away from her and that we got married too soon. Well, Brian does all of the cooking and we sat down to dinner at 5:30 when Erin announced to the girls that they had to leave in 15 mins because she had drama practice and if they wanted to go they'd better hurry up and eat. Brian was offended and told erin this was BS and she really should have said something sooner and that he would have made dinner earlier so the girls would not be rushed thru dinner and we could sit down and eat together as a family. Just to give him the common courtesy of even acknowledging that he is there. Not to hurt but to help. Erin made some snide remarks and Brian had had enough and he snapped back at her and I agreed with Brian and Erin became upset and an arguement insued. Something said about her being selfish and not thinking of her younger siblings. I tried to calm things down and Erin went to her room and Brian went back to the kitchen, so I went to call mom in my room because earlier she informed me that she and Dani, (my sister), would be taking Ambrose from Brian while I was on my trip. Seeing Brian's current and ongoing frustration at not being taken seriously or respected by my family, I suggested that she not do that because they had not asked my or Brian's permission.

Meanwhile, Erin was texting Dani and telling her that Brian yelled at her and that he had no right to tell her what to do. She in turn took all of the kids with her to drama practice. I didn't know till I came back out to the den that they were even gone. I sent her a text asking why she took the kids and her reply was that "she wanted to and she could". (THIS CHILD HAS LOST HER MIND!) Just then, Dani knocked on the door and when I let her in, she proceeds to disrespect me and Brian by "telling us off". Standing over us at our dinner table, saying that Brian was not Erin's father and should not be allowed to say anything to her and that he should deal with his own daughter. (Who is 16 by the way and not living with us just yet.) She also said the Brian and I got married to soon and that I was so wrapped up with Brian that I was neglecting my kids! (Folks, I'm on my kids school council (as chairman) and volunteer for everything from serving to monitoring and proctoring tests for the 3rd-5th grade CRCT testing.) I was so angry at that point that I told her she needed to leave because this is my house and she didn't know anything about the situation and she should mind her own business. (at 20 yrs old, still living at home with mom paying for her car, no decent job or high school diploma, what the hell does she know about parenting?) Well, she left and I sent Erin a text to bring the kids back home or I was coming to get them. She sent no reply and I was truly angry by then and weak from a kidney infection and on pain meds and antibiotics, so I had Brian to drive me to church and get the kids. When I get there I discover Dani had taken Ambrose from Erin without my permission and when I told her to bring him back, she hung up on me and refused to tell me where she was. In the meantime Erin takes off in one of the vans and doesn't go home but goes someone where else! I called mom because Erin was driving one of her commercial vans and explained the situation. Does she help? NOPE! An hour or so passes and no one calls me back so I call the police and tell them what happened. The police come out and try to contact Dani for me. They finally get ahold of Dani and I find out that mom and erin were both with dani and that they would be returning with some paperwork about me! When they arrive dani dumps ambrose in the den and runs back outside! I was in the bathroom and Brian tells me they were here and we both go into the den to find my screaming 2 yr old son Ambrose on the floor. Brian picks him up and we both comfort him. I go outside in time to hear the officer tell Dani never to take him again without my permission and since we are family he would hate to misinterperet the situation and bring her up on kidnapping charges. Mom interjects with her "paperwork" which turned out to be an old power of attorney that I'd signed when Erin was baby in Texas giving mom medical power of attorney which mom thought meant custody. I laughed while the officer explained to her that it did not give her custody but rights to get medical for Erin in the event of my absence. She was trying to take my daughter!!! Dani tells me to shut up and I told her to shut up at which point she "flexes" on me and I tell I wish she would so I could press assault charges on her hot-tempered behind! Dani made threats and the officer told her to calm down before he took her in for assault. The officer told erin she had to stay and could not leave without my permission being she is only 17. She could only live with her grandma if I said so. Mom, realizing defeat then pulls the officer aside and asks him that if erin feels "unsafe" or "threatened" can she be taken from me?!!!! WTF? I could not believe I was looking at my own mom. That did it! It truly hurt me. There was no going back now. I may forgive her, but I'm seriously considering severing all ties.  I think I'm done for now.

Meanwhile, Brian put ambrose to bed and when he came outside, mom charged at him blaming him for losing me and that its all his fault. At which point in time I reminded her that Brian is my husband and to stop disrespecting him. Again, she interjects that he is only considered the "head of household" if he is working. The officer holds her back and tells her and dani to go home. I tell erin to go inside. Mom tells me that I'm fired and she wants back the 20 dollars she gave me earlier. I give it back to her saying that her anything that comes from her comes with too many strings. So here I sit today, no longer working for my mother (which paid nothing anyway but for gas) and so relieved. Today all is quiet, kids are at school, the sun is shining and my loving husband feeds me dried cranberries to help me heal. Ah, he takes such good care of me and the kids. He makes sure I eat healthy, rest, take vitamins, massages my back and feet. He loves my kids and helps with homework, he cleans, he cooks, he prays with me and the kids each day. Not a day goes by that he doesn't tell me that he loves me. Sometimes "mother" doesn't always know best.

Any thoughts or advice?